Becoming a Reactor!

What a week! Some 19 months after having a very severe, unexpected and life changing anxiety attack a doctor has named my “condition”. I have fibromyalgia. The news is a devastating relief. It is a relief because this syndrome of unknown etiology explains the torrent of health problems and the related emotional challenges that I have dealt with since mid-2008. It even accounts for the intermittent health issues that have become a regular part of my life over the last seven or eight years.

It strikes me that in many ways there is more than just a little irony in all of this. Those who have known me for years know that I am pretty calm and cool in the face of crisis. Yes, I have always been the person most likely to under-react ---to keep others calm and find practical solutions to a difficult problem, to be able keep going when my body says slow down, and to even get a little annoyed when others have an “unnecessary” emotional reaction to a situation that just didn’t seem to warrant all the drama. So when I found myself being unable to think my way through a challenging situation, and having crash and burn physical illnesses I just didn’t get what was going on. When I started to react to just about everything, it confused and overwhelmed me. But when the widespread pain started, it was clear. Suddenly, I was no longer the person who under-reacts. I am now the person whose body is hyper-reactive. It’s almost like my body determined that it was time to play catch up.


There is much good news in all of this. My doctor is putting first things first. He has referred me to a pulmonary specialist for a polisomnigram (sleep study). Over the last few months, I have learned that getting sleep makes the all important difference between a good day and a bad one. So I get to have the experts watch me sleep and figure out what variety of sleep disorders I might have and what might be done to improve the quality of my sleep. I am deeply grateful. I already feel like sleep saves my life so I welcome the opportunity to deal more fully with any sleep disorders I have.


Once we are done with that we will talk about medications. I am ambivalent at best but some days I would gladly take anything I can get my hands on. Still my experience with Lyrica was not the best though it seems my dosage was too high and the increase regimen too quick. We also discussed Cymbalta and Savella – which was recently approved for treatment of fibromyalgia. I am of the sort that I want to try all the things that have fewer downsides first. So, I will wait until I get through the sleep studies. At least that’s what I said Tuesday. Today, I am not so sure – I could use a hit of serotonin right about now ----but more about that later.


After learning that I have fibromyalgia, I suspect I would have been content to feel relief for a few days or weeks. After all with lots of help, I have spent the last year --- even before I understood the syndrome --- learning how to manage it. I go to acupuncture on a regular basis. I take Chinese herbs to help boost my immunity and counter the demands on my body. I still have trouble sleeping but I know that without it I cannot function so I work hard to get 8 hours even if I have stay in bed for 10 hours to get a good night’s rest.


I am also learning to eat differently. I have cut dairy back by about 95% ---- no more daily yogurt, no cheese snacks, no milk—not even lactose free. I even pay attention to the ph in food ---back to my old lemon water regimen from 15-20 yrs ago. I am trying to eat less bread but with a little less success.


Exercise remains a challenge. I find that it is difficult to find the right balance -- enough to help me manage the pain but not so much that it causes pain. I haven’t figured it out yet. Several weeks ago I was feeling good doing 30-50 minutes of light weight work and not so intense aerobics 3 times a wk. After two weeks I crashed and burned on a 5 hour train ride during which I was in constant pain. I guess I learned that impacts are not always immediate. On the other hand, I shoveled an hour a day for a week during the recent blizzards. The last day I actually shoveled for three hours. I followed with a hot bath and a nap…I felt great! Go figure….


But this week has also been a new opportunity for learning and new pain. I had a root canal on Monday capping several weeks of tooth sensitivity and pain. It seems I had a fractured tooth - - perhaps I have been clenching my jaw to deal with the pain? I developed an infection and went on antibiotics. The root canal was unlike any dental procedure I have ever experienced--- and it was not my first root canal. After all, remember I am a lifelong under-reactor so I have never been a denta-phobe. It took well more than two hours and even with Novocain the pain was excruciating. When it was over I had to rest for 10 or 15 minutes before I could get out of the chair. I think my dentist, who is terrific, was also pretty overwhelmed by the challenge that the procedure presented. It seemed at every turn there was a new problem – the tooth broke, the roots seemed to touch each other increasing the pain, the rod implant was defective. Since then I have been dealing with intensive pain. It seems my infection was not entirely gone and I am back on antibiotics. Thankfully, the pain is easing a little! So now I can hold back the tears from the pain. Unfortunately, the tears from feeling so overwhelmed are sitting there just waiting to be shed. But that is a topic for another day!


Thanks for listening! Linda

Stepping Into Our Pre-Racial Present

It has been an interesting week in the public consciousness of the nation!

As we bask in the sunshine of our aspiration for a truly "post-racial" America, we have been confronted with a high profile incident of racial profiling. At 58 years old, Harvard University professor, Henry Louis Gates was arrested for breaking into his own home when Cambridge, Massachusetts police answered a call from a concerned neighbor.

Ironically, Gates is well known for his efforts to help black and white Americans understand the history of black America and our legacy of slavery. In many respects, he has served as our collective conscience helping us to see fully the national shame called slavery, the treasure that it built in the black community, and the cost that we still bear.

As I rode home and listened to the story I wondered why this man, who has taught America so much, was selected by circumstance to once again teach us about the subtle and persistent nature of racial prejudice. I am sure I am not alone in wondering whether there a grander purpose in the incident. Will it give us a fresh opportunity to examine, more intimately, the confounding and persistent nature of our racial heritage?

It is my hope that it will. Perhaps it is an opportunity to see clearly that as we have stepped bolding toward a "post racial future" we still have one foot firmly embedded in our pre-civil rights past. I will not debate here whether "post-racial" is the new "color blind". In many respects it is not germane in this context. What is fundamentally important is that we take no pass on seeing where our feet have fallen and no pass in learning how to step differently with our next footfall.


Linda

Welcome to Finding Insight

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Welcome to Finding Insight. It is a beautiful, sunny, hot afternoon in metropolitan Washington, DC so I write this opening note with a sense of anticipation about this blog and a sense of regret that I am not at the beach. Still it is time to find a few words that hopefully will reflect our collective interest in finding insight. This blog will be personally focused, philosophical and spiritual, social issues oriented, and perhaps even a little informational. Hmmm! An awful lot to accomplish but it wouldn't be honest if I didn't take on more than a reasonable portion of the possible. I hope you will enjoy what you read and take the time to let me know what you think.

Be well and enjoy your day! Linda